Introducing: Ulysses

When our editors first sat down to condense Ulysses, the timeless masterpiece by James Joyce often considered one of the most important novels written in the English language, they immediately realized what an immense task trimming this book would be.  The first problem they encountered - none of them had read Ulysses, nor did they have the time to do so.

Recent studies suggest that 96 to 100 percent of people who claim they have read Ulysses are actually lying.  So with that in mind, Modern Illustrated Classics is proud to introduce Ulysses: The Vague Summary Edition.  We personally guarantee this handsomely bound volume will provide you with just enough information to bluff your way through any short conversation about Joyce's work without actually slogging through the damn thing.  Highlights include:

• Of course I've read Ulysses.
• Such an amazing book.  A real work of art.
• That ending? It completely blew my mind.
• Leopold Bloom was such a fascinating character.
• Pretty crazy that the US government actually burned copies of this book, huh?
• I definitely read this book.

Although only a few pages long, this edition captures exactly the thrill and joy of reading Ulysses - namely, telling other people you have read Ulysses.  Available soon at the finest retailers.

An Excerpt from Lord of the Rings: Bombadil's 16th Song

From our newest masterpiece, The Lord of the Rings: Tom Bombadil Edition, we present one of Bombadil's most delightful and whimsical songs.  Feel free to sing along as you read!

As Bombadil took the Hobbits' dinner plates, he began to dance and sing another song, which went as follows: 

Tom’s a merry Bombadil,
His songs are full of laughter.
He sings them all the night and day
Through six or seven chapters.
Ring the dong a dally-o
Six or seven Chapters.

Plate 12: The Hobbits are once again filled with wonder and delight as Bombadil launches into another merry tune.

When the world was first begun,
Tom climbed a mountain top.
He started to sing his gayest songs
And it seems he hasn’t stopped.
Dong the bong the billy bob
It seems he can’t be stopped.

I’ll sing and dance a merry jig,
And prance around and shout,
And do a bunch of other stuff
That you don’t care about.
Hi the ho a dilly-o
You sure don’t care about.

But if you try to skip ahead,
My singing for to quell,
Just wait ‘till you see how many songs
They sing in Rivendell.
Dilly derpy dumpy-o
Just wait ‘till Rivendell.

From The Lord of the Rings, Modern Illustrated Classics Edition. By J.R.R. Tolkien et al.  Ill. by Henry "Soupcan" Sanchez.  Preorder your copy today!

From The Road: Plate 22

In one of The Road's most iconic scenes, the man and the boy discover some ash-covered apples by the side of the road.  Needless to say, in a post-apocalyptic wasteland where the sun has not shone in over a decade, where no sign of life has yet appeared other than marauding cannibals, the sudden appearance of fresh, edible fruit does a lot to build the credibility of the setting.

Plate 22 - The man and the boy find an apple.  After all, why wouldn't they?

Its an apple, said the man
Yes, the boy said
We are sure living in a well thought out story that consistently makes sense, said the man
The boy didn't answer.

From The Road, Modern Illustrated Classics Edition. By Cormac McCarthy, et al.  Ill. by John One Tree. Preorder your copy today!

Introducing: The Lord of the Rings

Few works of fiction have left as deep a visual impression as J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings.  Some of the finest artists and filmmakers have taken Tolkien’s words and transformed them into indelible images.  But somehow, one of the most important and inspirational characters in The Lord of the Rings has been conspicuously absent from most previous adaptations of the work.

At Modern Illustrated Classics, we are taking a long overdue step to fix that oversight.  Introducing the new The Lord of the Rings: Tom Bombadil Edition.

Yes, we have distilled Tolkien’s 6 book, thousand page masterpiece into its very core essence – a handful of pages where a tiny man wearing yellow shoes shouts mystical gibberish at trees. Features of this beautiful new edition include:

•           Tom Bombadil
•           Tom Bombadillo, if you’re not into the whole brevity thing
•           Bright blue jackets
•           And yellow boots
•           Ding dong the dally-o
•           So much unnecessary poetry
•           Guaranteed to contain no elements of plot.
•           Ho dilly dally dong
•           And more!

We hope you preorder The Lord of the Rings: The Tom Bombadil Edition, and also watch New Line Cinema’s 12-part film adaptation of this 50 page novel.

Flash Deal! Kurt Vonnegut Sale

This week only!  All Modern Illustrated Classics editions of Slaughterhouse 5 and Cat's Cradle now come with a joint and a box of condoms - for no extra charge! If you're not already the coolest kid in your high school class, a Kurt Vonnegut book will get you there, and now you'll be prepared for all the casual sex and drug use that your edgy intellectualism will bring.

Does this look like you? Then act now!

Just use promo code KILGORE TROUTFISHING and remember, question authority!

Introducing: The Go Set a Watchman Collection

If you love Southern literature and huge disappointments, we have no doubt that Go Set a Watchman already holds a special place in your heart.  The text - Harper Lee’s early draft of To Kill a Mockingbird - was initially rejected, then heavily edited to become the masterpiece we all know today.  But the publishers of Watchman were bold enough to ask: what if someone could pass off that crappy first draft as a sequel? Could they make tons of money? I bet so!

With this success story in mind, Modern Illustrated Classics would like to present the Go Set a Watchman collection.  Over a dozen failed drafts of classic works, each more embarrassing than the last.  We personally guarantee that each story will be 100 percent half-baked, and will ruin the way you think of at least one of your favorite literary characters.

The collection includes:

• Whatever the hell version of The Hobbit it was that Peter Jackson read.
• Milton’s original draft of Paradise Lost, where Satan is the most interesting character and totally wins in the end.
• That one script where Indiana Jones was a child molester
• Remember at the end of Grapes of Wrath when Tom Joad decides to spend his life fighting for the oppressed and downtrodden? Well in Steinbeck’s first draft, he just talks about how much he hates the Jews.
• A story where Dumbledore was actually Voldemort the whole time!
• Some Old Man and the Sea/Scarface crossover fanfic we found online.
• Actually that Milton thing might just be the original Paradise Lost. That was a weird book.
• And more!

We hope you will preorder a copy of the Go Set a Watchman collection, available wherever childhood heroes are destroyed for money.

From Moby Dick: Plate 37

Moby Dick is full of iconic images: from Ahab nailing a gold doubloon to the mast of the Pequod, to the climactic battle with the white whale.  We know you will be thrilled by the inimitable Henry "Soupcan" Sanchez's loving renditions of all of your favorite scenes.  But we have received dozens of letters from Melville fans with one burning question on their minds - what about that part where a guy wears a chopped-off whale penis around like a cloak?

Rest easy, literature fans.  We would never remove one of the most important dick jokes in American literature.

Plate 37 - The cassock of the Archbishoprick, is what Melville actually called this situation in his serious literary masterpiece

From Moby Dick, Modern Illustrated Classics Edition. By Herman Melville, et al.  Ill by Henry "Soupcan" Sanchez.  Preorder your copy today!